Small boy ripped from family, forced to attend college

An Upper West Side child has been reunited with his family for the holidays following a harrowing ordeal that left relatives shaken. The parents of 18-year-old Samuel Tarpley say he was forced to enroll at Trinity College in Connecticut "at least ten years" before they were ready for him to go. "This is just another sad example of society forcing kids to grow up too fast," said his mom, while offering Samuel a drink of juice from a Thomas the Tank Engine sippy cup. "He's just a little boy," added his father while attempting to hoist the 5'10" Samuel onto his shoulders.

Wheezing Lumps of Matted Fur Provide Holiday Usefulness

Aging pets may not be as playful or fun as they once were, but they can still be useful around the holidays, according to experts. Pet owner Jennifer described how her two aging Spaniels sleep 20 hours a day, waking only for mealtime and potty trips. "But when my feet are cold, I move a lump onto each foot," she said as she rested a mug of coffee on the back of a sleeping dog. Her husband Todd agreed. "When the weather turns cold they're good door draft stoppers. You just have to block out the scent of dirt and urine." Others have yet to find new uses for their aging pets. "Wait, we still have dogs?" said 15-year-old Ethan without removing his headphones. 

Rebellious adult fails to recognize own personality reflected in child

A middle-aged man with a history of disdain for authority dismisses the notion that his teenaged son is anything like him. "We're completely different in every way," said the unnamed man, who has held six jobs over the past ten years because all of his bosses were jerks. His son added: "Just because I want to be a writer, so what? And just because we have long philosophical discussions and agree that everyone else in the world is insane, we're completely different in every way." When reached for comment, the man's wife of 26 years sighed deeply before confirming that her husband has just started a new job.